Apple Juice and an Asshole

I once convinced myself I had diabetes and nothing has been the same since.

This may be a marginal exaggeration of a life-altering event but it was a turning point nonetheless.

I had just lost a noticeable amount of weight, which I attributed to my new birth control and a sudden ban on fried foods. I was also in the early stages of dating my boyfriend so my drunk eating significantly declined. Excuses, apparently, because being in college, betches demand legitimate answers so I did what any rational human with an impending medical condition and gaggle of pestering friends does and turned to Web MD.

A mere 4 minutes later I was diagnosed with diabetes and thus a new obsession was made. It is important to note that my experience with diabetes is limited to a short interaction I had in high school when I had to escort an eighth grader to the nurse for low blood sugar. He got a soda and I skipped art.

The final layer to this medical onion happened at a coffee shop in Amsterdam. I read that if you were ever feeling light-headed or nauseous drink apple juice. (A light bulb dinged as I remembered my middle school minion and his full-calorie Coca Cola.)

I put one and one together with a medical background on par with a child who writes 1+1=3 and hence look like an asshole with wannabe diabetes who compares apple juice to penicillin. I feel as if this was foreshadowed by that time in fifth grade when I formed my Bubbalicious Bubble Gum into a retainer and was convinced I was on track to becoming the most popular girl in school. It is also worth mentioning that I spent exactly 75% of my high school years in braces. Karma.

Web MD explains the symptoms of hypoglycemia, and well, I think we all have a little diabetes in us somewhere, particularly after going shopping for an outfit two hours before you are supposed to wear said outfit.

Weakness
Feeling tired
Shaking
Sweating
Headache
Hunger
Feeling nervous or anxious
Feeling cranky
Trouble thinking clearly
Double or blurry vision
Feeling uneasy
Fast or pounding heartbeat

Three years later, apple juice and I are still going strong, keeping my hyp-faux-glycemia in check (see what I did there?). It’s my crutch; a cure-all for shopping trips gone awry, spending too long in the card aisle of CVS, humidity (not to be confused with humility, though that would apply here too), hangovers and those days when you never mentally get out of bed. My dad drinks a martini after a hard day’s work and, likewise, I like to throw my apple juice in the freezer so it’s extra crisp.

A-p-p-l-e j-u-i-c-e is now an adjective and a noun and I encourage you all to try it when the going gets tough. It’s a healthier alternative to end the “I need a drink” clause and will bring you back to that bubblegum loving elementary school self, pre loss of innocence.

Threw this outfit together for today’s errands, and just to make it relevant, accessorized with a deliciously sweet and mind numbing apple juice.